Why do they stay?

As I’ve discussed Charlie Sheen and his history of abuse towards women with the people around my office and in my life these past few weeks, a question that has come up more than once has been, “Why do women put up with this?”

My first instinct is to tell them to stop blaming the victim, which is an issue that needs to be addressed completely, but for now let’s just answer the question.

There are many reasons that women get into and stay in these situations.  Here are just a few:

• Many abused women come from a history of family violence.  Violence feels “normal” to them.
• Many women suffer from very low self esteem and they can easily be convinced, or convince themselves, that they are helping to cause the violence.
• One tactic of an abuser is to cut off the financial access and support systems of their victims, making it seem financially impossible to leave.
• When children are involved, there are many considerations and complications as far as what is best for them.  It is never best for children to be in violent environments, but sometimes information about better places to go is not readily available.
• Many victims of domestic abuse have been threatened by the abuser.  “If you leave, I will find you and kill you,” or “if you leave I will take the children and disappear, and you will  never see them again.”
• Many abusers are or appear to be remorseful and even loving after each incident of violence, and promise that they will never do it again.  Victims want to believe.

I think it’s very hard to understand the cycle of abuse and how difficult it can be to escape unless you have lived it or seen it first hand, but it is essential that we all try to educate ourselves on these issues.  If you are in an abusive situation, please talk to someone.  If you know of someone who needs help, please help.